Late into the night after the kids are in bed and I look at the clock and it says 1am I think deep inside myself “I need to rest”, but something inside of me keeps me from closing my eyes and drifting to a deep sleep and rest in preparation for the next day’s activities. Then something churns inside of me every day. Although I have come to the conclusion already, it still causes grief and pain inside of me. That “thing” is called decisions! Could I have made better decisions with my daughter. Would she have lived longer if I had made a different choice?
After Gabriella passed away I was reminded of a conversation I had with a fellow father who had lost his daughter to the same cancer that took Gabriella’s life. He told me with complete honesty and with great sincerity, not to offend me or make me feel inadequate in my decisions, but a comment that forever remains part of who I am. He said, “no matter what decision you make for your daughter, THAT IS THE RIGHT DECISION”! This was such a liberating statement. It didn’t matter what others said or what others wanted or suggested to me. The decision was our families and ours alone. That lifted the weight of the bombardment of suggestions we received during Gabriella’s journey. Although many suggestions were sincere, many were cold hearted and unthoughtful. We cocooned ourselves within a small circle of influencers and dove head first into this dark and painful pediatric cancer journey.
Many nights we were at a breaking point of borderline insanity and desperation! This “thing” that keeps me up at times is intermittent and does seem further and further apart, but when it comes, it comes with a tenacity as if I were reliving the same moments when Gabriella was alive.
I attribute much of who I am today to these emotions that I battle to become a better person and focus my attention on helping others.
These families struggling with children with cancer need our help and I intend to be one many to help them.
Please consider coming along this journey with me... with us! I guarantee you won’t regret a single moment of it!